you know what?
i'm not a morning person. i am not one of those people who spring to life at the first ring of the alarm and launch into the obligations of the day. i need, and to some point, like, setting my alarm earlier so that i can have snooze buttons without feeling guilty or being in a mad rush afterwards. i like knowing that i can have time to dawdle or accommodate the unexpected before i have to be where i have to be.
so i don't like it when people wake me up with a slap and a push and ask me to send them to tuition -.-
you know what else?
i am really not a monday person. i develop really really bad monday blues. it's near suicidal. okay i'm exaggerating, i'm not suicidal, but i do get pretty bleak and depressive about mondays. i used to whine and mourn about mondays and delay going to sleep on sunday nights. and when monday finally does rear its ugly head, i carry my dark clouds over my head for the rest of the day, or at least until school is over, which is at 4pm -.- and that is something!
also,
what is it with people who honk? why? why do they like to honk their car horns? it's loud, it's blaring, it's rude and it totally sends the wrong message to people who may or may not be on the receiving end. like just now, while being rudely awakened to send someone to tuition, this stupid driver of this big Honda obviously didn't see my left signal light even though he was coming in from my left. he promptly parked his car next to the sidewalk directly in front of my left-signalling car. so i wanted to reverse and drive around the big Honda but as i did reverse, the car behind me stuck his fat hands into his big fat blaring car horn and honked at me as if i didn't know he was behind.
i think people can discern what you're saying/feeling through the tone of your car horn. they may all sound the same, but somehow i believe your intentions can get transmitted through your car horn. that's why a honk from a friend that you coincidentally meet on the Federal Highway is different from a honk from an idiot driver who thinks he's some bigshot.
you know what?
i got conned. by a regular, run-of-the-mill printing service shop assistant. i asked to photocopy 3 sets of a 388page textbook. she told me that if i printed a 1000+ pages, i could get it at 0.03 cents per page. she asked if i wanted comb or tape binding. she wouldn't tell me if one or the other was cheaper. and she suggested to have a plastic cover.
i checked the bill just now. she still charged me 4 cents per page, one A4 plastic piece is 40 cents and the stupid comb binder is 6.50 per piece. all added up, one seet of a photocopied 388 page textbook is RM24.80. the original price of that textbook is RM26.90. biggest con job in the world?
you also know what?
it's weird going to mama and yehyeh's house and not seeing yehyeh there. i may still be in some extended period of denial and illusion because while i believe and understand that he is well and truly gone, it just seems all too surreal to believe. like i said, i knew this day would always come but now that it's come and gone, it still feels odd acknowledging, coming to terms with the fact that i now no longer have a grandfather. on both sides. no more grandfathers. sometimes i get a little miffed when i see old people who are older than my grandfather and are still alive and well.
you know what?
i love this -.- emoticon. it says so much with so little.
i'll stay with you
Posted in on 11:18 PM by anniesumaybe it's me,
maybe it's pms (though i don't think so),
maybe it's the time of the year,
maybe it's the weather,
but i am feeling underappreciated.
or forgotten. and useless.
maybe it's called being stuck.
maybe it's being underdeveloped.
maybe it's even being undiscovered.
but i sure do feel sucky today ):
how come people look like they've got their lives figured out wan?
how come people know what they're doing?
how come people feel so motivated and passionate everyday?
how come people rise up like everyday is an opportunity?
how come people know that people need them?
how come people seem to have the best?
*sigh*
p/s: i've always been there, and i thought you would stay around. how can you still look at me and see nothing? why can't you realise that i've been here all along?
pp/s: this is emo. i can't stand myself being so emo -.-
ppp/s: it's time to take charge of what's going on.
may you find some comfort here
Posted in on 8:53 PM by anniesu
my parents read my blog. not only do they read my blog, but they announce it on facebook that they read my blog and invite other people to read my blog to. plus, they print excerpts from my blog for my grandma to read.
wahlao. like some kind of invasion of privacy. not to say that a blog is meant to be private anyway, but still. this would have been so much cooler in a celebrity-stalker-like way if the someone printing excerpts from my blog were some literature professor commending my excellent grasp of language rather than someone i see everyday -.-
but yeah, things have pretty much settled here at home. we try to have dinner as often as possible with mama and shaun goes to her house after school in the afternoons, which is a good thing. had a popiah party last saturday to commemorate the first week of yehyeh's passing. by the way, it is very odd to answer a question like 'are you okay?' because frankly, i speak on behalf of all Chien grandchildren, we don't know how to respond. it wouldn't be entirely true if we said yes, but saying no would sound like we need immediate attention.
but really, still, a million thanks to all the people who came for the wake services and all. especially to the 365 Homies, i think you guys made my sister and i feel a whole lot better knowing that you kept us in your prayers and you showed up to lend a little support. my family appreciates it too.
p/s: all glory needs to be given to God for the exam results. if it weren't for His grace and guidance, i would never have gotten what i have gotten. goes to show what some effort and a lot of prayer can do for you. even though they are just mid term exams.
pp/s: i am still broke. will all the people who owe me money please pay up soon? /:
ppp/s: so demotivated for school these days. the long hours and the hot weather and especially the sucky food doesn't help things at all. am in dire need of long long do-nothing type holidays.
wahlao. like some kind of invasion of privacy. not to say that a blog is meant to be private anyway, but still. this would have been so much cooler in a celebrity-stalker-like way if the someone printing excerpts from my blog were some literature professor commending my excellent grasp of language rather than someone i see everyday -.-
but yeah, things have pretty much settled here at home. we try to have dinner as often as possible with mama and shaun goes to her house after school in the afternoons, which is a good thing. had a popiah party last saturday to commemorate the first week of yehyeh's passing. by the way, it is very odd to answer a question like 'are you okay?' because frankly, i speak on behalf of all Chien grandchildren, we don't know how to respond. it wouldn't be entirely true if we said yes, but saying no would sound like we need immediate attention.
but really, still, a million thanks to all the people who came for the wake services and all. especially to the 365 Homies, i think you guys made my sister and i feel a whole lot better knowing that you kept us in your prayers and you showed up to lend a little support. my family appreciates it too.
p/s: all glory needs to be given to God for the exam results. if it weren't for His grace and guidance, i would never have gotten what i have gotten. goes to show what some effort and a lot of prayer can do for you. even though they are just mid term exams.
pp/s: i am still broke. will all the people who owe me money please pay up soon? /:
ppp/s: so demotivated for school these days. the long hours and the hot weather and especially the sucky food doesn't help things at all. am in dire need of long long do-nothing type holidays.
a tribute to yehyeh
Posted in on 5:42 PM by anniesu
where to begin...
i wish you were still here. i still remember you in your trademark blue denim shorts and white singlet, with your silver hair, glasses and sincere smile, wearing your home slippers because you always thought the floor was dusty. you never did like to answer the phone or open the door, i don't know why, unless you really had to because mama was in the bathroom or something. at 73 years old, you still drive your old faithful blue nissan sunny, which i will probably learn to drive now. you even had to fetch me home from school a couple of times early this year because i had no transport home and you were my last resort.
one of my most vivid memories of my childhood with you was in your old house in DJ, when krystle and i were still in kindergarten. you had a big glass sliding door with a grille which krystle and i loved to climb, though you forbade us to. one morning, we climbed the grille all the way to the top and when mama caught us doing it, we pretended that we were fixing the grille (bodoh. we were about 4 or 5 years old). she said she was going to call you to rotan us but we didn't believe her until you came downstairs with a rotan and chased us around your living room and whacking us nicely. i cried back then, but it's now one of my most loved memories of you.
i will miss having dinner with you, yeh. last year, i remember i had this craving for your 'meen seen chow meen' and i called you to ask if you could cook it for dinner and you obligingly did. i miss going to the place in sentul for that pork knuckle you really liked, and i'm glad we introduced you to that nice assam laksa place in 1U and taking you for chow kai fan in seapark. haha and i still remember how you wouldn't let mama cook some of your signature dishes because you said she couldn't get it right.
i remember how you made everyone watch Deal or No Deal with you every Saturday night over dinner. i miss having you explain badminton and tennis to me. i miss having you and mama in our car. i miss your bright eyes. i miss your old checkered shirts and slacks. i miss your silver hair. i miss getting christmas presents from you because every gift and treat that you spent on us totally reflected your personality. i miss going to the sungei way market for chee cheong fun with you. i miss CNY eve dinners with you. i never went to watch a movie with you before and now i wish i had. i miss your quietness and your warmth, your gentle strength and your stubbornness. i miss you cutting up papaya for everyone after dinner.
yeh, i really loved being one of the very rare families in FGT where 3 generations worshipped and served in the same church. i always undermined the weightage of that until now, why we were chosen to be the feature in last year's Parents' Day poster. i know that over the last few months, the disease got the better of you and you couldn't stand throughout the entire worship session anymore and the coldness of the air-cond got to you. eventually you had to come in a wheelchair and sat behind until one week you couldn't come anymore at all.
this was one of the most difficult, if not THE most difficult thing i've ever had to face so far. you were still conscious a week ago, still able to talk and walk a little. but everyday, your condition was different. suddenly, you couldn't walk, couldn't talk, didn't have enough strength to lift your hands or even hold a pen and one day you just stopped moving.
i was there in the panic when you stopped breathing, but i didn't want to see you go. it still seems a little surreal because your lifeless body looked nothing like the yehyeh i know. saying goodbye to you for the last time and watching them close the casket, i realised that would be the last time seeing you in your house, seeing you. and when they slowly wheeled your casket into the furnace, i've never felt more desperate for anything else in the world than wishing that the person we were saying goodbye to wasn't you. it finally dawns on me that i now no longer have a yehyeh.
i miss you yehyeh, i have no shame in saying that. i love you alot and i will always remember you. even more now, i want to be the best that i can be because i want you to be proud of me. considering how much i love you, this would have been so much more horrible if you hadn't accepted Jesus Christ ten years ago. i know now you're in heaven with a perfect body, free from the pains of old age and disease. i hoped that you would be around to see one of your grandkids graduate, get married and have kids, but i guess now you're going to have a front row view.
take care, yehyeh. i'll see you when i do (:
i wish you were still here. i still remember you in your trademark blue denim shorts and white singlet, with your silver hair, glasses and sincere smile, wearing your home slippers because you always thought the floor was dusty. you never did like to answer the phone or open the door, i don't know why, unless you really had to because mama was in the bathroom or something. at 73 years old, you still drive your old faithful blue nissan sunny, which i will probably learn to drive now. you even had to fetch me home from school a couple of times early this year because i had no transport home and you were my last resort.
one of my most vivid memories of my childhood with you was in your old house in DJ, when krystle and i were still in kindergarten. you had a big glass sliding door with a grille which krystle and i loved to climb, though you forbade us to. one morning, we climbed the grille all the way to the top and when mama caught us doing it, we pretended that we were fixing the grille (bodoh. we were about 4 or 5 years old). she said she was going to call you to rotan us but we didn't believe her until you came downstairs with a rotan and chased us around your living room and whacking us nicely. i cried back then, but it's now one of my most loved memories of you.
i will miss having dinner with you, yeh. last year, i remember i had this craving for your 'meen seen chow meen' and i called you to ask if you could cook it for dinner and you obligingly did. i miss going to the place in sentul for that pork knuckle you really liked, and i'm glad we introduced you to that nice assam laksa place in 1U and taking you for chow kai fan in seapark. haha and i still remember how you wouldn't let mama cook some of your signature dishes because you said she couldn't get it right.
i remember how you made everyone watch Deal or No Deal with you every Saturday night over dinner. i miss having you explain badminton and tennis to me. i miss having you and mama in our car. i miss your bright eyes. i miss your old checkered shirts and slacks. i miss your silver hair. i miss getting christmas presents from you because every gift and treat that you spent on us totally reflected your personality. i miss going to the sungei way market for chee cheong fun with you. i miss CNY eve dinners with you. i never went to watch a movie with you before and now i wish i had. i miss your quietness and your warmth, your gentle strength and your stubbornness. i miss you cutting up papaya for everyone after dinner.
yeh, i really loved being one of the very rare families in FGT where 3 generations worshipped and served in the same church. i always undermined the weightage of that until now, why we were chosen to be the feature in last year's Parents' Day poster. i know that over the last few months, the disease got the better of you and you couldn't stand throughout the entire worship session anymore and the coldness of the air-cond got to you. eventually you had to come in a wheelchair and sat behind until one week you couldn't come anymore at all.
this was one of the most difficult, if not THE most difficult thing i've ever had to face so far. you were still conscious a week ago, still able to talk and walk a little. but everyday, your condition was different. suddenly, you couldn't walk, couldn't talk, didn't have enough strength to lift your hands or even hold a pen and one day you just stopped moving.
i was there in the panic when you stopped breathing, but i didn't want to see you go. it still seems a little surreal because your lifeless body looked nothing like the yehyeh i know. saying goodbye to you for the last time and watching them close the casket, i realised that would be the last time seeing you in your house, seeing you. and when they slowly wheeled your casket into the furnace, i've never felt more desperate for anything else in the world than wishing that the person we were saying goodbye to wasn't you. it finally dawns on me that i now no longer have a yehyeh.
i miss you yehyeh, i have no shame in saying that. i love you alot and i will always remember you. even more now, i want to be the best that i can be because i want you to be proud of me. considering how much i love you, this would have been so much more horrible if you hadn't accepted Jesus Christ ten years ago. i know now you're in heaven with a perfect body, free from the pains of old age and disease. i hoped that you would be around to see one of your grandkids graduate, get married and have kids, but i guess now you're going to have a front row view.
take care, yehyeh. i'll see you when i do (:
stay lost in this moment forever
Posted in on 3:49 PM by anniesu
number one.
i have just found out that the real STPM trials will start on the 10th of August. Yeehaw.
number two.
hohoho some good news about my results. seriously cannot believe it. seriously, cannot wait to tell my parents. seriously cannot wait to bodek my parents for rewards for academic achievements.
number three.
diet+save money plan = agak fail.
number four.
i want to go play badminton again. i want more holidays.
number five.
i have just cleaned out my closet. reorganized, refolded, cleaned, wiped - everything. i separated my clothes that i will wear from my clothes that will never see the light of day again, and i discovered how much clothes that i will never wear again take up so much space. now that i've separated them, the amount of clothes that i can wear is surprisingly dismal.
seriously, my closet is sooooo nice to look at now. i found extra hangers and stuff. the look of my pretty, organized, clean closet is so tempting me to go and buy more pretty clothes to fill my pretty, organized, clean closet.
number six.
i really don't like people who don't reply emails. do they not know the kind of agony and ambiguity that they inflict upon organizers? hmph.
number seven.
and people who don't know how to park cars! i mean, when you park your car and the space behind and in front of your car looks big enough to fit another car, you KNOW something is wrong with your parking. seriously. maybe Form 6 Society needs to have a training session to teach them how to park cars with consideration of other cars. hmph.
number eight.
we ordered Domino's to school today and partay-ed in class. like, seriously. how awesome are we? (:
number nine.
someone asked me if i spend too much time in church/doing church stuff. perhaps so, much more than the average person would - but my church is like home and my church members are like family. i may spend a lot of time there, but i always think that it is time well spent.
number ten.
to all the FGT-ians who came to support Seafield on Carnival Day last sunday, thanks for coming. really. i appreciate it. even though it was hot and they ran out of food.
i have just found out that the real STPM trials will start on the 10th of August. Yeehaw.
number two.
hohoho some good news about my results. seriously cannot believe it. seriously, cannot wait to tell my parents. seriously cannot wait to bodek my parents for rewards for academic achievements.
number three.
diet+save money plan = agak fail.
number four.
i want to go play badminton again. i want more holidays.
number five.
i have just cleaned out my closet. reorganized, refolded, cleaned, wiped - everything. i separated my clothes that i will wear from my clothes that will never see the light of day again, and i discovered how much clothes that i will never wear again take up so much space. now that i've separated them, the amount of clothes that i can wear is surprisingly dismal.
seriously, my closet is sooooo nice to look at now. i found extra hangers and stuff. the look of my pretty, organized, clean closet is so tempting me to go and buy more pretty clothes to fill my pretty, organized, clean closet.
number six.
i really don't like people who don't reply emails. do they not know the kind of agony and ambiguity that they inflict upon organizers? hmph.
number seven.
and people who don't know how to park cars! i mean, when you park your car and the space behind and in front of your car looks big enough to fit another car, you KNOW something is wrong with your parking. seriously. maybe Form 6 Society needs to have a training session to teach them how to park cars with consideration of other cars. hmph.
number eight.
we ordered Domino's to school today and partay-ed in class. like, seriously. how awesome are we? (:
number nine.
someone asked me if i spend too much time in church/doing church stuff. perhaps so, much more than the average person would - but my church is like home and my church members are like family. i may spend a lot of time there, but i always think that it is time well spent.
number ten.
to all the FGT-ians who came to support Seafield on Carnival Day last sunday, thanks for coming. really. i appreciate it. even though it was hot and they ran out of food.
in the arms of angels
Posted in on 10:35 AM by anniesuto me, you still are the image of resilience and of fight, of gentleness and of sacrifice. it breaks my heart to see you like this, how everyday you seem to be fading further and further away and yet still trying to cling on as hard as you can to whom you love the most. i see your struggles, i try my best to understand what you're going through and how i wish that i never had to experience anything like this ever again. when i see how hard you strive to function normally i still don't know if i should let you retain your dignity or risk insulting or shaming you by underestimating your independence. i want what is best for you but i ache at the thought of knowing that what might be best for you may not the outcome that i had hoped for. and what hurts the most is the thought of all the things i want you to experience that you're now never going to and how soon who you are will just be in our thoughts and in old pictures.
i always knew this day would come but i am still overwhelmed by how unprepared i am to let go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
